I wish I had let myself be happier.
That is one of the top five regrets of the dying, documented by Bronnie Ware, a hospice nurse who spent decades sitting with people in their final weeks and writing down what they wished they had done differently.
It stopped me cold the first time I read it. Not because it was surprising. Because it was not.
Last week I asked three CEOs the same question.
“What do you want?”
All three of them started talking about their company. I listened to them passionately describe their goals, their people, and their organization. Then I asked again. And each one got quiet in a way that told me everything.
After a decade of coaching C-suite leaders, this is what I keep coming back to: many leaders have built extraordinary organizations while quietly neglecting the four things that actually determine how far they can go, and how good it feels when they get there.
The top 1% know it takes more than hustle, pressure, and striving to be a high-performing CEO.
Here are the four habits they practice that you will not learn in an MBA program:
1. Your significant other is a key performance variable.
The person who knows you best, sees you first thing in the morning, and absorbs the residue of your hardest days is either fueling your capacity or quietly draining it.
Most CEOs treat this relationship like a fixed asset. It is not.
Marc Randolph, co-founder and first CEO of Netflix, says the accomplishment he is most proud of is not building one of the most successful companies in history. It is that he never let it cost him his marriage.
His ritual: Tuesday night dates with his wife. Every week. Non-negotiable.
“For over 30 years, I had a hard cut-off on Tuesdays. Rain or shine, I left at exactly 5 p.m.” – Marc Randolph
2. Your body is the container for everything you are trying to build.
I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at 25. That diagnosis did not slow me down. It taught me that my body is not separate from my success. It is the foundation of it.
The CEOs I coach know what to do. They have read the books. They listen to the podcasts. But they tell themselves that once this quarter settles, once this hire is made, once this challenge passes, then they will focus on their health. That time never comes.
Everyone has a million problems until they lose their health. Then they have only one.
3. Your inner circle outside of work shapes who you are becoming.
Show me your five closest people, and I will show you your next five years. We understand that with our goals and our ambition professionally, but no one talks about how this applies to our personal lives. The friends you laugh with. The people you are honest with. The relationships where you are not the CEO and you are just a person.
Those relationships are what keep you grounded, curious, and human.
Bronnie Ware shared this in her book “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying.” One of those top five regrets was:
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
4. You need a personal vision, not just an organizational one.
Back to those three CEOs. When I asked what they wanted, they described their organization’s future. Compelling, clear, well-articulated. Then I asked again. About their life. Their relationships, their health, their energy, their sense of meaning. They got quiet.
Jeff Bezos has talked about his regret minimization framework. When deciding whether to leave Wall Street to start Amazon, he did not ask what would make him most successful. He asked what he would regret more at 80. That is a personal vision question. Most CEOs never ask about it.
My husband, Joal, and I have spent the last ten years getting intentional about our personal purposes, individually and together as a couple. We have a shared vision statement and values we actually live by. That clarity has simplified every professional decision we make.
Bronnie Ware’s other regret has always stayed with me.
I wish I had let myself be happier.
Not, I wish I had worked harder. Not, I wish I had hit my numbers.
I wish I had let myself be happier. I often take life and myself so damn seriously. And so here I am writing to you and living this out at the same time. I want to intentionally enjoy life more. No regrets, no waiting.
And I invite you to join me in doing just that.
Of these four areas, which one have you been treating as optional?
Let’s normalize this conversation as an essential piece of our executive leadership. Repost this, share your thoughts below, or send it to a colleague or friend who could use this today, just like me.
A note from Carmen: I also write a personal newsletter each month where I share my own journey and high-performance tips for executives. If you want a more personal look at how I lead my own life, I would love to have you there. Click HERE to join.