We all struggle. 

We are all more alike than we are different.

What once worked for us may not work in the present. 

Control is a funny thing, the more you try to control the more you seem lose control.

Often what people present in person or online is not a true reflection of their current state.

I was hesitant to make this post today.  It is raw and real but I know that I am not the only one that struggles and so I am sharing my story with you in hopes that it will help.  In hopes that it will help you stop controlling, that it will help you to find more joy in our everyday, and under it all, help you to love yourself no matter what.  For me that means no matter what weight or body composition I am.  This is my current struggle..

My husband’s 40th birthday is March 15th.  I always do something fun to surprise him for his birthday and this year is not different.  My body and hormones have been all over the place this year since regaining my menstrual cycle in January after it being gone for about a year, since my body fat percentage was so low from competing in bodybuilding shows.  There’s these favorite pants that I have that my husband loves my booty in, and while I can put them on right now they don’t actually “fit” – if you know what I mean.  So, I set out to lose a couple lbs before his birthday and get my ass looking right in his favorite pants.  Nothing drastic, just starting to track my macros again and be very consistent with my nutrition and workouts to tighten up a bit.  We are now on week 4.  My results?  I’ve gain weight.  To be clear, I have gained 12 lbs- in the last 2 days alone I’ve gained 5lbs.  This morning I saw a number on the scale that I have not seen in over 4 years.  When I saw that number today, I could have done one of two things- tighten the control, scrutinize my diet and exercise more, do more everyday to control this weight loss OR sit and do a little inquiry.  Don’t get me wrong, yesterday I picked tighten control and doing more, and that shit did not work.  Today, I chose inquiry.  What does inquiry mean?  Inquiry is simple, it’s asking yourself those tough questions- you know those ones that you try to avoid- then answering them.  Answering them honestly and completely.  You may not have all the answers at first, but they will come don’t stress.

Here is a snapshot of what I asked myself this morning:

What are you avoiding when you try to control?

What are you learning from this current struggle?

Why does the scale matter so much to you right now?

Is your “ideal” body image slightly disillusioned by your super lean body when competing?

What or who’s expectation are your trying to live up to?

What matters most in your life right now?

How can I help others with what I am going through?

Here are some of my thoughts from my journal:

Controlling food is easy for me.  Controlling food allows me to focus on something simple and not worry about what is coming up for me.  I am more than my weight and body image and YES I do hold myself to a higher, possibly impossible standard because of being lean so often over the last 5 years.  I care what I look like too much.  I am comparing myself to others in the fitness industry too much.  I need to focus on what I love about my body and what it can do for me.  I have MS and I have had if for over 10 years.  I can still walk, talk, see and pretty much have zero symptoms because of my healthy lifestyle- I need to be SO SUPER grateful for this HUGE fact.  The scale only matters in my head, no one else cares what I weigh. My value is not tied to the number on the scale.  Joal (hubs) still loves me and thinks I am drop-dead gorgeous if I don’t wear his favorite pants.  In fact, he loves my curvy body WAY more than my super lean body.  What matters most now is that I find time to smile and laugh daily, that I fulfill my purpose in life to help others on their health journey, that I find time to connect and build relationships and that I love myself- NOW, TODAY, not when I reach a certain number on the scale, fit into a certain pair of pants or live up to the body composition expectation that I have built in my own head that no one else gives a shit about.  This self-love is what will bring me true inner joy, freedom and confidence.  If I think about it, even when I am super lean. I still have doubts in my head about myself.  Love myself today and tomorrow and when I am curvy and when I am lean and all the days in between…

This shit is hard. It’s not fun but once you can get to the other side, it’s worth it.  It’s so worth the feeling of freedom, the feeling of confidence, the feeling of true self-love.

So that’s my story for today.  I hope that by reading this you find comfort in the fact that we all struggle.  We are all one.  And that together, we can all lift each other up instead of secretly tearing ourselves down.

Please feel free to reach out if you want to connect on this topic. 

Email me at:

By the way, I am still going to be eating nutritious food and working out consistently- I am not stopping that… just simply stopping all the controlling, numbing and stupid unachievable expectations that I could never meet.

Sending each of you lots of love and light today.




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